Stripped.

Why is it so hard to trust? When I think I have opened myself up for people and relationships, I just clam up.  It's as if I'm a deer caught in the head lights.  I want to trust, but I think because I can't trust myself, I don't trust others.  I make it out to seem like a I trust, but really, I'm not doing it 100% because I'm holding back who I am a little bit.  I don't let many people too close to me.  I like to keep a mystery.  I don't do it on purpose and maybe it's right now that I'm realizing how toxic this is.  I just like to stay at arms length.  The idea of being hurt scares me to death.  I'm an emotional person.  Like, I'm cool and chill, not really into drama...more hippish...But, I'm REALLY sensitive.  Why am I putting this out here?  Because, I want to throw it out in the universe.  I want to be stripped down, layer by layer.  To know who I am.  Who am I?  Like in "Zoolander!!" ha.  Ben Stiller.  Anyways, yes, so that's what I'm writing tonight.  I don't want to be limited!!  I'm holding myself back and doing a disservice to the one person who needs it the most....ME!

Tomorrow, I'm starting with Weight Watchers and going to Life Time, at least, 3 times a week.  That's totally manageable.  Swim...Sauna....Bike....Eliptical....Classes....Weights....I can't go wrong.  I need to lose this weight!  I'm so foreign in this body.  I don't know who I've become.  I've been let out and I can't find my way back.  I know that it shouldn't be about weight, because any other person out there...I would tell them to love themselves.  Be proud of who they are.  So, um, why am I not taking my advice?  Because, it's easier to sit here and bitch?  ha.  

Minutes after that tangent...I'm going to end this now.  Thanks for reading.  Thank you again, if you subscribe.  No pressure, though... :)  

xo amy.